If Dave had been born in Hawthorne, California in 1942, Brian Wilson would have had a soulmate.

If Dave had one extra pair of arms, he would mash the teeny-weeny strings in an incendiary rock-opera guitar solo on his currently-on-fire double necked rock axe.

If Dave were to swing by Detroit tonight, he would pack a rack of ribs, some dollar bills, and take stripper-slaughterhouse-rockstar Wendy Case (The Paybacks) out on the town.

If Dave were to meet Jimmy Eat World, he'd teach those pansy-ass emo kids how to write a SONG.

In the last federal election, Dave ran as leader of the National Riff-Rockin', Speaker Slammin', Arena-Rock-Posturing Party of Canada, garnering 5% of the popular vote, and claiming no seats.

If Dave were a web-browser he'd constantly misdirect you to http://www.elephant6.com, http://www.thedirtbombs.net, or http://www.brianwilson.com when really you wanted to access http://www.norahjones.com, http://www.linkinpark.com, and http://www.google.com.

Were Dave to find himself plummeting from the sky after a mid-air jet collision, he would probably think "Shit baby, it's all good – I've left the world with the SPP – my work here is done."

– by Steve